
The Hyborian Age... looking a lot like Barsoom here.
A year ago today, a beardy little upstart from Scotland sneaked onto The Cimmerian, via the approval of the late, great Steve Tompkins. It proved to be a bit controversial, as my fun little story became a battleground between two titans of Howard scholarship on the merits of Conan the Barbarian and Jackson’s Lord of the Rings film trilogy. It was all a bit overwhelming, but Leo’s suggestion that Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja were more deserving of such mockery ignited a mischievous little spark in the dark recesses of my brain.
As a celebration of my unofficial debut, a peace offering for our esteemed leader, and an appreciation for the scholar who helped get my foot in the door, I’d like to introduce my sequel to El Ingenioso Bàrbaro Rey Konahn de Simaria. A bit of background is necessary. The germ for the idea of Bàrbaro came about in a debate regarding Conan the Barbarian: the argument was that, since Howard never actually detailed Conan’s childhood in a story, John Milius’ account couldn’t be disproved, therefore Conan the Barbarian was a perfectly valid account of Conan’s early life. I’ve long since forgotten the argument, but it made me wonder: is there any way to reconcile Milius’ film with the Hyborian Age as written by Howard?
As it turned out, it really was impossible. There are just too many differences to account for. It dawned on me that the only way for either version to be compatible with the other is that one of them had to be the “fake” version, either a result of misconception, misrepresentation, myth, or simple tall tale. Since Milius’ creation was by its definition derivative, it followed that anything that appeared in the film would be the counterfeit version. Hence things like the Cult of Shet, the Simarians, Chadizar, the LARP Vanir, and of course Konahn himself. Even though things ended up a bit “Mad Magazine,” it was borne out of a genuine desire to see if it could work. After all, problems regarding the Howardian perspective aside, I quite liked Conan the Barbarian as well. I’m not going to defend it as a Howard adaptation–indeed, it’s in my vehement criticism of it as one that some might get the impression I disliked the film–but on the merits of pure cinema, I’ll freely admit to espousing its qualities.
With this done for Conan the Barbarian, why not the other alleged Robert E. Howard adaptations? While Conan the Barbarian has its defenders, I don’t think anyone will mourn the lost dignity Conan the Destroyer, mostly because it didn’t have any to lose in the first place. Crom knows Red Sonja and Kull the Conqueror don’t. So sit back, draw up your tipple of choice, and let me take you back to the days of High (emphasis therein) Adventure…
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