Marcus Nispel, seen here with potential Conan, Jared Paladecki.

I was initially quite skeptical about Mark Finn’s call to arms making any real impact on the upcoming disaster calling itself Conan. Petitions rarely have much impact unless they are truly monumental, like the mass outpouring of protest from Trekkies which acted as Herbert West to the original series of Star Trek, though given the quality of the third season, I can’t help but remember Jud Crandall’s warning in Pet Sematary: “Sometimes, dead is bettah.” At most, I expected it to be merely a cathartic exercise for Howard fans to voice their frustrations. Since then, the deafening silence from Paradox/CPI has finally been broken by Jay Zetterberg. What he has to say is equal parts promising and discouraging, and it would be wonderful to imagine that the almost universal condemnation had something to do with it.

First of all, a few comments on the surge in posts the past two weeks. Please keep in mind that everything is still a work-in-progress. It is best not to jump to conclusions about a movie that won’t be released for 18 months or so from now.

While it might be too soon to say whether the Conan film will be a miserable failure or a dreadful failure, it’s certainly not looking good so far. The director, Marcus Nispel, has not broken above 40% on the Rotten Tomatometer with his previous films. The scriptwriters, Thomas Dean Donnelly & Joshua Oppenheimer, are infamous for producing one of the most utterly wretched adaptations of a classic story in cinematic history. Is this the caliber of talent Paradox really wants to utilize their hundred million dollars? Even when one considers rumours, nobody of a higher acting ability or star quality than Arnold clones, ’80s action stars, and professional wrestlers have been linked to the project. I cannot understand how this could be the case: even Michael J. Bassett snagged the likes of James Purefoy, Alice Krige, Pete Postlethwaite and the incomparable Max Von Sydow for Solomon Kane with a mere fraction of the bloated budget of this film. Forum moderator, Kortoso, said it best:

You put in an order for a Lexus top-of-the-line model and show up at the factory to see it starting. It looks like they’re putting together the frame for a Ford Fiesta. As soon as you protest, they say, “Don’t worry, it’s still early in the process.”

Indeed. The only piece of news which does not instantly have me gagging in indignation is the scoop that a make-up artist and F/X man from 300 will be hired to create the were-jackals, blind archers, Ceti eels, seven-foot jailers and other such heinous creations. Even then, although they say the new film will not stylistically resemble 300 (though the script certainly has many scenes that lend itself to Snyder’s speed-up slow-down extreme-close-up techniques), but with the trailer for the upcoming Clash of the Titans resembling the 2006 Frank Miller epic and gore-laden video game God of War more than the Harryhausen adventure, I’m concerned whether Conan will be just as derivative. The script is anyway, and one of the more common criticisms of the recent Conan game was that it was merely “God of War with Kratos in a wig.”

Still, it isn’t all bad:

It remains our hope that bringing Conan and other characters to a new generation will enhance the awareness of the writings of Robert E. Howard.

With all the negativity about the recent Conan script, it’s easy to forget that CPI and Paradox have been doing a great job promoting Howard and his works. I, and other Howard fans, owe them a great debt for that. That said, it’s only fair that we call them on decisions we disagree with. They’re certainly a big enough company to deal with such criticism.

Secondly, scripts change constantly when a film is in production, even during shooting. While there is usually one writer or writing team credited in a movie, it is very common to use different writers for later rewrites. We are now preparing for a new set of eyes (and hands) to begin a rewrite. The owner of said eyes and hands shall remain unnamed for now…

Now this is the best news I’ve heard regarding the script for a long time. Hell, it’s the only good news I’ve heard. However, a mere rewrite is simply not sufficient here. The script is completely dependent on plot elements that are anathema to Howard’s Conan. It centers on Conan embarking a lifelong Lady Snowblood/Kill Bill-style “hit list” that throws the entire saga into disarray, cannot make sense without making a hash of Hyborian Age history and geopolitics, an origin story that throws nearly everything Howard mentioned out the window, and plot devices and characters lifted from earlier films. This script needs to be tossed into the incinerator and started fresh.

So, did Mark’s rallying cry have any impact? Impossible to say, and unlikely, if I’m honest. Even published authors and editors who’ve signed might not have the clout to affect the likes of a film studio. However, futility is no reason to shut up about this. To fight and strive and voice a barbaric yawp against the suffocating vastness of a cold, uncaring entity despite the pervasive futility of such a struggle is… well, ain’t that pretty much what most Howardian fiction is about? Without being (too) pretentious about it, we shouldn’t allow ourselves to lament about the impossibility of simply getting a cadre of Howard scholars to write a script and give them a king’s ransom to make a film. Our meager attempts to bring down the castle with stone axes may not result in the fortifications crashing down, but the chips and scars of our assault will be visible on the surface for as long as it stands.  People will ask who and why those scars deface the lower section of the wall, and perhaps some will learn more of the original architect, and what a mockery the castle builders made of his original design.

We may not be able to change anything about the film, but by Crom, we can do something.