In the wake of the Conan controversy, it’s probably natural that CPI are a bit edgy regarding making new announcements to the fans. So instead of somewhere like the official Conan forums, Frederik Malmberg breaks the scoop of a new Kull film… on fantasy.fr. An odd choice, but I won’t begrudge our Gallic sword-brethren a hot exclusive, seeing as they’re far further ahead of the English-speaking sphere when it comes to Howard’s literary acclaim. They certainly deserve it more than the average anglophone website.

The news spread through the aether, with predictable results. The typical mouth-breathing keyboard-tapping dotards with reference pools that would barely fill a thimble offered up their opinions on why they would, in fact, prefer a new Krull film; or that they should bring back Kevin Sorbo and Tia Carrere; or that they should do a crossover with Conan and Red Sonja; or that of the “ten thousand great original ideas out there, this is the best they can suggest–a muscleman swords-and-sandals movie?”

Sometimes it can be a shock to be faced with the dark, depressing reality of popular culture. People know the name Conan, and aside from the usual unimaginative smart-alecs feigning disappointment about it not being about a pasty ginger talk-show host or an anime Sherlock Holmes homage, they tend to remember Conan the Barbarian being a decent film, and so are fine with a “remake.”

Kull, however, has no such pedigree. The 1997 film was a complete and utter joke, and even before the screenplay was mangled by the Daughter of De Laurentiis, it took substantial liberties with Howard’s material. It was tame, generic, PC to an excessive degree, and full of unbearably dull gags. Perhaps worst of all, it was merely mediocre: not inadvertently amusing enough for the ironic Mystery Science Theater 3000 crowd, while nowhere near competent enough to be a decent film by its own standards. Even Manos: The Hands of Fate and Plan 9 From Outer Space are held in higher regard than Kull the Conqueror for this reason, and why one needs to go far to usurp Yor, The Hunter From The Future when it comes to cheesy barbarian cinema. Thus, people assume that, rather than being the timeless, monumental, genre-defining masterpieces that they are, the Kull tales are simply another in the long list of peplum. After all, looking something up on Google or Wikipedia is far too strenuous an activity for them, and the film can’t have been too far off the mark, can it?

It’s gotten to the point where people actually prefer Krull, a shameless melange of Star Wars, Flash Gordon, and all manner of Dungeons & Dragons stereotypes over a Kull story, despite not actually knowing a damn thing about Kull. Now, I liked Krull: it was a fun film with some nice imagery, the crystal spider was well done, the Black Fortress and the Beast were interesting, and Lysette Anthony will always be part of my imaginary seraglio. Ferchrissakes though, it wasn’t a good film. I can live without a remake, and in any case, it’s not going to top James Horner’s score.

This brings up very unfortunate implications. We’ve already had to put up with the endless comparisons to Vampire Hunter D and Van Helsing for Solomon Kane. If people are so ignorant of Kull and Kane, then what would they make of other Howard heroes or adaptations? Would people dismiss Dark Agnes as a Red Sonja rip-off? Would Bran Mak Morn be lost in the shuffle of Roman Sword-and-Sorcery flicks like King Arthur, The Last Legion, and the upcoming Centurion?  Would El Borak be derided as an Indiana Jones clone?

Even without all that against an adaptation, CPI hasn’t exactly endeared themselves to us of late regarding film adaptations. Solomon Kane has strongly mixed reactions, while the leaked script & character casting sheet for the new Conan film are universally panned. I shudder to think of what the hand-picked screenwriters of a new Kull film could come up with, though it could scarcely be worse than the 1997 film or the more heinous elements of the Dark Horse series. If I hear even a hint of Pictafarians, Lady Igraine (or indeed any love interest), a Djimon Honsou cameo as Thulsa Doom, or Harvey Fierstein, this blood-mad Pict is on the warpath.

Some might accuse me of being unrealistic. There is a choice facing Howard fans: to expect it to be terrible, and not get one’s hopes up; or, to expect it to be great, only to have the hopes dashed. For me, the result would be the same no matter the approach: frustration and resentment. I did not have particularly high hopes for the Conan film once I saw the Latino Review, nor did I think much of Solomon Kane after reading the script. Yet even with all that, I’m still angry. Howard deserves better than this. So, what then? Go neener-neener at those crestfallen fans who dared to hold out hope? Or take it upon myself to make sure everybody outside the Conan fandom knows exactly what’s what in this state of affairs?

Discouraging stuff. Still, as long as all of us Howard heads are on the net, we can spread the word. Can’t let people wallow in ignorance, can we?

*Art by Justin Sweet.

DEUCE ADDS: On the surface, Hollywood should have an easier time adapting Kull. Howard pretty well laid out Kull’s origin story. You could have Kull’s boyhood and youth, with a “mini-climax” when he mercy-kills the Atlantean girl. Soon after, he is pulling an oar on a Lemurian galley. He escapes/overthrows his masters in a suitably bloody and climactic fashion. Roll credits and leave things open for his bandit/gladiator/usurper period.

However, I have little faith in even that loosely-based scenario getting filmed. One of the posters on the Official Robert E. Howard Forum had this (probably more realistic) idea for the screenplay:

But with our luck, the story will be this: Kull is a peaceful Atlantean villager, until one day the evil wizard Thoth-Amon sinks Atlantis. Kull must then spend the rest of his life hunting Thoth-Amon and battling his sinister Pictish ninjas and thirty-foot fire-breathing serpent-men.

I wouldn’t bet against it.